Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
