Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
