Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
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Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
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With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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