Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
