she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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