Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Acid is not a monday night drug
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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