Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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