So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
