Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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