if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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