so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
