There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
