Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
