i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
