I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
In other news, I just burned my penis
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
