How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
