i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
