My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
