Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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