um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
