I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
