I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I need water and some morals
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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