life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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