He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
