I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
