normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
