I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
