I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
