i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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