I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Randomize
