call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
