You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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