pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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