How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...