Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
