Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
