dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
