He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
