he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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