His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
