did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
