im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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