getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
