I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
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Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
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He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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