I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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