Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
