Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize