I hope mine doesn't look like that
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
