Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
