If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
