Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
