seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
