Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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