I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
