Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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