I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
