She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
