Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
