I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
