this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
