just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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